Too Many Emotions

18 more hours of the unknown! This has truly been the longest weekend ever. Most people want holiday weekends to go on forever...not me...not this time. I'm ready for Tuesday to get here and be over. I'm ready to know what is in store for the rest of our lives. I've done a lot of soul searching these past few days and I keep asking myself what kind of mother I would be to a special needs child, could I actually handle it, would I be strong enough, how would other people react to him, ect. I've come to the conclusion that I don't have an answer to any of my questions. As much as I wish I did, I don't. I do know that no matter what the news is tomorrow, I will love this baby the same either way. I will give him all I have to give either way.

I am trying so hard to stay strong and hope for the best...but I am scared to death. People ask expecting moms "what do you want to have, a boy or a girl?" and most people say "it doesn't matter as long as they are healthy". This has brought on a whole new meaning to me. Most people dont realize how lucky they are to have healthy babies. Not only has being a nurse in the hospital seeing sick babies and the complications that can occur opened my eyes, but I read several peoples blogs who have lost children or had sick, SICK babies. It is a true MIRACLE to have a healthy baby and I hope that every one of us who have had healthy babies sit down and thank GOD for it. They are our own miracles!!!

I'm praying hard tonight that God will once again give me a healthy baby! If that isn't in his plan for us, then I pray he gives us the strength to get through it. My heart is hurting already. It's hard to breathe sometimes when I think about what could happen, but I'm trying to stay positive and hope for a false-positive. Chris has been so positive through all of this so far. He feels strongly that everything is ok with our little boy...I hope he's right! I wish I was a strong as him when it comes to things like this. He has truly been my rock through this so far. I know that I can get through anything with him beside me.